Envy is a litmus test for your own desires
At a retreat last year, a group of 9 women fell into each other's laps. It was the great collision we all needed. We’ve met on zoom every 2 weeks over the past year, with a tsunami of messages exchanged in between.
These women stand for my shine, they recognize my brilliance and reflect it back to me when I can't find it on my own. And when shit goes south and I’ve found myself in a stuck place, a shame soup, a victim hole when conditioning tells me that no one can handle my ugly shit, these women drop everything for emergency zoom sessions, for hours of phone calls to release the charge, standing vehemently until I return to a state of pleasure, until I get right with my desires again.
Jealousy is an inherent part of our group. We all trigger the heck out of each other. It goes something like this... one woman does something amazing that I’m like FUCK, I’m jealous. I didn't know I wanted that for myself and now that I know, I’m going to hate you for a minute (or 30) while I feel shitty about myself for not having had it first. Next emotion, PISSED. I realize that if she can do it, that means I can do it too. How dare you show me what’s possible for myself. This is SUPER inconvenient and disruptive to my protective bubble of comfortability and staying small. DAMNIT, I hate and love this bitch.
And THAT’S how we take each other higher and higher. We joke about it because it happens so frequently.
If this idea of this scares you, I get it, sisterhood can be one of the most confronting issues. To celebrate another woman’s triumphs has not been easy. We’ve been conditioned to jump into competition or to betray one another in movies, TV shows and the media. It’s a total flip flop that their wins are not my losses, but are my wins too. And we all go up UP UP in the upward spiral of slaying the game. I’ll have what she’s having please.
Every stroke of jealousy is an opportunity to add something to my list of desires. And to no surprise, my desire list has grown out of control this year.
What are you jealous of? What is it that you desire?
